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It's about one in the morning here...

But I seem to have had a small epiphany, if you can call it that. I went to bed almost three hours ago, and I had weird dreams of Regency England (that's what I get for reading Georgette Heyer right before I go to bed). There were loyal servants that I could trust, and by intricately organizing them, I could stay warm and safe. Each time I entered a new room, I would have to find a safe arrangement of the servants, which required me to turn in my bed. Crazy! But, I woke a bid later, and discovered that now, my knees down, I was freezing, but above that... Well, I was (am) hot to the touch, and occasionally can feel it, but mostly I feel numb. It was a bit weird to discover, when I rubbed my eyes, that my hands were actually freezing as well, but I couldn't feel them.

Well, needless to say, my head hurts so badly! And, the weird thing is, all of a sudden I wanted my mum. A grown woman, suddenly wanting her mum. But, here's the really strange part.

My mother was abusive to me. I try not to talk about it too much, but I find being open with people is better than closing it up inside. And since, you are all pretty much cyber friends, it's a bit easier than talking to anyone else about it.. She was only somewhat physically abusive, it was mostly emotional. Compound that with being, well if not sexually abused, introduced to sex at far, far too young an age, I was pretty messed up growing up. Now, I have worked hard to forgive my mother. She's not right in the head-- you know how everyone twists the truth just a tiny bit? Well, she does that times twelve and believes it. She honestly believed that she was helping me and she passes it off as that. And, she was abused as a child, so in some ways, it simply makes sense to her. And I am so grateful that she broke the cycle for all of my sisters, even if she didn't completely for me. But, even still, I never want to go to her when I have problems, and I still have the underlying, subconscious problems of an abuse victim.

So, to sum that all up, I have forgiven her, and it's made life easier, but I still need major help. So the fact that I wanted my mother in the middle of the night is so wonderful. I started crying almost immediately. Thank God for small steps forward.

Sorry if this makes no sense, and you had no desire to read of my many problems. It's one in the morning and I'm sick

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tiggertam
Aug. 30th, 2010 08:33 am (UTC)
Thanks, me too.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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